My Scripts
The Rise & Fall of the Pretzel Man (First Draft)
By Sean Powers
11/11/01

JS: (choking)I didn't invent it yet.

JS: My name is Jimmy Swalton. For my whole life up until the very last second of it, I've been interested in one thing, and one thing only, pretzels. It all started when I was an infant. While all the other infants on my block were sucking pacifiers, I was sucking a soft dough pretzel.

(Show baby sucking on a pretzel instead of a pacifier)

JS: I would've preferred one of those thick nugget pretzels, but my teeth hadn't grown yet. People didn't know what to think about my uniqueness. My relationship with my mother was practically non-existent. When I was about a month old, my mother crashed into a pretzel factory with the town's pretzel delivery boy, in his pretzel truck. I was told she'd used to shove soggy beer pretzels in my mouth to get me to stop crying. That might explain for my positive obsession with pretzels among other things like gin, whiskey, beer, (shows JS drinking a shot quick and then doing a jarjar binks type of reaction). The affect of the pretzel controversy involving me didn't go well with my father. He became clinically depressed by all the people in our small town asking him about how and why I was the way I was. He was so depressed that he eventually began pulling out his messy brown hair.

(Show father pulling her hair out)

FATHER: The horror, the horror.

JS: My father slowly deteriorated over the next few years due to his madness. He began dipping alcoholic pretzels like cocktail stick pretzels and beer pretzels into his whiskey. He also became very delusional. 

(Show dad with a glass in one hand and pretzels in the other. He slowly dips a pretzel in the beverage, and eats the pretzel. He looks at the half eaten pretzel in terror)

FATHER: WHO TOOK HALF OF MY PRETZEL! Was it the little green men from outer space? They're watching me. (Shivers)

JS: Sad, I knowSeveral years later after eating the equivalent amount of pretzels to the amount of drugs in Tijuana, my father died from pretzel poising.

(Eating pretzels, stops, looks forward, and speaks like Don Corleone)

FATHER: Pretzel (gags) poisoning (gags & looks at a pretzel in his hand) this is the end my only friend. (dies)

JS: Since my family didn't have much money, my father's body was put in a morgue, donated to science, and frozen until someone was ready to slice him open. I think I saw him on one of those medical health channels about 5 years after his death. It was kind of odd seeing one of my creators getting his sternum smashed open with a hammer.

(Show Tom Brokaw hosting a TV medical show)

TOM BROKAW: Hello, I'm Tom Brokaw hosting "When the Smashing Gets Tuff, Start Pounding"

JS: I heard Tom won an Emmy for that episode, and my dad lost his chest. As I went through pre-school, grade school, and junior high, I was constantly made fun of.  I was always on the run. Kids would throw German pretzels at me and say I was a stupid, sad pretzel lover in German

KIDS: "Sie dumm, trauriger Brezelgeliebter." 
(ZEE DUMB TRAW-RIGGER BREZEL-GE-LEEBTER)

(JS running from kids and ducking)

JS: Hey, that's my favorite pretzel. Don't throw it.

(A German pretzel hits JS in the face)

(He freezes in place and gets an angry look on his face)

JS: That was my favorite pretzel. (Puts his arms in the air like the Willem Dafoe death scene in Platoon only not putting his knees on the ground) NOOOO!!!! Why did it have to come to this!!!!

KIDS: FOOLISH BOY!

JS: Well, after that traumatic day. I hit rock bottom. I became obsessed with staying in the library all day, isolated from the world reading about pretzels.

(Show JS reading in the library flipping pages and eating pretzels.)

JS: (Reading out loud) Pretzels were first invented in A.D. 610. (Reflects on this information for a moment) Oh my GOD! (Throws up) Pretzels that old would be stale! From this day on, I shall invent a new pretzel that won't go stale!

OLD MAN IN LIBRARY: I couldn't help but listening to your idea. I would like to contribute a million

JS: Quick your gibberish old man, I have to start walking the road to success. (JS leaves)

OLD MAN: What a sad child.

JS: So from that day on, I began my journey to success. High School flew by quickly. I was voted "Most likely to wind up in an alley or in jail" All I recall from High School was being called, "The pretzel narc." I also remember another event in my High School career. That was meeting the lovely Janis Choplin. Unfortunately, stupid Bobby McGee took her in his Mercedes Benz.

(Show JS crying for a several seconds.)

JS: I recovered from it though. College wasn't too bad. I majored in Creative Design. I didn't tell a soul about my idea of inventing a new pretzel while in College except for a cat that I gave CPR to due to it choking on a cheese pretzel.

(Show JS giving a cat CPR and spitting when he has a chance to. He hits the cat's stomach with his elbow. The cat spits out the cheese pretzel in his eye)

JS: OUCH! EWWW!!! That's the last time I try to regurgitate a feline.

JS: I'd say the best thing that I got from college was a pretty girl named Aimee. After we started going steady, my whole perception of life changed. For the first timeIwashappy. The two of us met while on the tour of the Big Boys & Butter pretzel factory. I was a stud when first making eye contact with her.

(JS gives a flirting/harassment type of look to Aimee)

(Aimee responds to his message)

JS: Hi, my name's Jimmy Swalton.

Aimee: Hi, I'm Aimee.

JS: Want to go out to eat for some pretzels?

Aimee: (flattered) Would I.Oh yes.

JS: Aimee and I would always do fun pretzel related activities together, like buying pretzels, eating pretzels, talking about pretzels, heck we even went to the circus to see the Human Pretzel.

JS: I dated her for about 3 years. It was a pretty hot relationship. We'd always eat oven-cooked pretzels every night. Our relationship ended when she realized I only respected her for her uhh(eye brows raise) pretzels. I mean there's nothing wrong with that. With Aimee out of my life, I became unstable. It was the mid 70s or as some of us might call it, "The mushroom, slash disco, slash, pre Martha Stewart days." Life was kind of crazy then for me. I would find myself in places singing songs like Pretzel Logic that I knew nothing about:
(sings like Bob Dylan)I have never met Napoleon But I plan to find the time
'Cause he looks so fine upon that hill
They tell me he was lonely, he's lonely still
Cause he's a pretzel mannnnn!!!!

JS: Eventually, I got back on the road to find the invention for non-staled pretzels. I began working with a scientist to find the answer.

Scientist: Well, you see Jimmy buddy, pretzel + salt = satisfaction.

JS: I soon realized he was a quack who had a little drinking problem.

(Show scientist having some fun w/his friend named Alcohol)

Scientist: (Sings) Don't know much about history
            Don't know much pretzel-ogy
            Don't know much about science books..

JS: One day when I was at the Plastic Pretzel Sealing Factory, I realized what I needed to invent the non-stale pretzel. I needed to make a space bag that would seal itself around the pretzel. I spent hours at the library trying to find the correct formula for making such a device. Then, one day I figured out what I needed to do. (Looking through books and drawing sketches at the library)

JS: I got it! All I have to do is put some super glue in a plastic wrapper, and wrap a pretzel in it.

OLD MAN IN LIBRARY: Wait! Super glue will make the pretzel pois

JS: Don't have time for you old-timer.

OLD MAN IN LIBRARY: That guy never listens to me. He'll be 6 feet under before me.

JS: I went home to try the experiment.

(He puts glue in a wrapper and wraps up a pretzel)

JS: I got it!

(He then struggles taking off the wrapper, but does. He eats the pretzel, and begins to choke)

JS:  (Chokes while talking) Oh no!.I can't die.I didn't invent it yet..(Dead)

THE END














The Pretzel Breakdown (Final Draft)
By Sean C. Powers
11/17/01

JS: My name is Pretiola Snyder of Hanover. For my whole life up until the very last second of it, I've been interested in one thing, and one thing only, pretzels. It all started when I was an infant. While all the other infants on my block were sucking pacifiers, I was sucking a soft dough pretzel.

(Show baby sucking on a pretzel instead of a pacifier)

JS: I would've preferred one of those thick pretzel nuggets my teeth hadn't grown yet. People didn't know what to think about my uniqueness. My relationship with my mother was practically non-existent. When I was about a month old, my mother crashed into a pretzel factory. She was on her way to pickup soggy beer pretzels that she used to get me to stop crying. This event made pretzels my weakness. From then on, my family life became as hard as...a pretzel. The affect of the pretzel controversy involving me didn't go well with my father. He became clinically depressed by all the people in our small town asking him about how and why I was the way I was. He was so depressed that he eventually began pulling out his messy brown hair.

(Show father pulling her hair out)

FATHER: The horror, the horror.

JS: My father slowly deteriorated over the next few years. He began dipping pretzels sticks into his whiskey, and became very delusional. 

(Show dad with a glass in one hand and pretzels in the other. He slowly dips a pretzel in the beverage, and eats the pretzel. He looks at the half eaten pretzel in terror)

FATHER: WHO SUCKED THE SALT OFF MY PRETZEL! (Shivers)

JS: Sad, I knowSeveral years later after eating an inordinate amount of pretzels, my father died while posing as a pretzel in his yoga class. I was told that he choked to death.

(Show JS meditating like his dad, and eventually crossing his arms like a monk. Have JS make meditating noises for comic relief)

JS: As I went through school, I was constantly made fun of.  I recall one Halloween I dressed up as a Nibb. How was I supposed to know I'd be mistaken for an element of Chex Mix and squeezed inside a plastic pumpkin?

JS: I was always on the run from bullies. Kids would throw German pretzels at me.

KIDS: "Sie dumm, trauriger Brezelgeliebter." 
(ZEE DUMB TRAW-RIGGER BREZEL-GE-LEEBTER)

KIDS: Stupid, sad pretzel lover.

(JS running from kids and ducking)

JS: Hey, a twisly pretzel.

(A German pretzel hits JS in the face)

KIDS: (make a hideous, yet girlish evil laugh)

KIDS: Dummer Brezeljunge!
(DUMBER BREEZEL JUNGE)
KIDS: Stupid pretzel boy!

JS: Well, after that traumatic day. I hit the bottom of the pretzel bag. I became obsessed with staying in the library all day, isolated from the world reading about pretzels.

(Show JS reading in the library flipping pages and eating pretzels.)

JS: (Reading out loud) The original crunchy pretzel evolved from the error of a baker who cooked them too long. Monks first invented pretzels in A.D. 610. (Reflects on this information for a moment) Oh my GOD! (Throws up) And they're not all stale? (Gets up like he's going to make a big speech) From this day on, I dedicated my life to inventing the non-staleable pretzel. (Breaks out of character) But before I get to that, I must make a pit stop at my local mall to have a zesty bite of Hot Sam's. DeeDeeLicious
(JS leaves)

JS: After exploring all my pretzel possibilities, I eventually went to Holland to major in Dutch Pretzel Design at the U of P. Conflict arose when my classmates thought they knew their pretzels.

College Student: (sounds like a dork) In order to make Peanut Butterscotch Pretzel Snacks, you need to add 1 (11-oz.) package NESTLÉ TOLL HOUSE Butterscotch Flavored Morsels, 1/3-cup of creamy Peter Pan peanut butter, 60  (3-in.) twisted pretzels, and 2 tablespoons of toastey sesame seeds.

JS: (Raises hand) Hey that is wrong!

Professor: Yes Pretiola?

JS: That recipe is blasphemous. You are not staying true to the 3 primary pretzel commandments. Number 1: Thou shalt not sesame seeds of pretzels. Number 2: Thou shalt not put honey mustard on our hardened friends. Number 3: And most of all, thou shalt not apply unnecessary confectionary coverings. 

JS: Most of all, the best thing that I got from college was a pretty girl named Utz Anderson. After we started going steady, my whole perception of life changed. We connected like a twisley pretzel.

(JS gives a flirting/harassment type of look to Utz)

(Utz responds to his message)

JS: Hi, my name's Pretiola Snyder.of Hanover

Utz: Hi, I'm Utz Anderson.

JS: (grunts) Nice to meet youUtz Anderson. Want to go out to eat for some pretzels?

Utz: (grunts) Would I? Oh yes.

JS: Utz and I would always do fun pretzel related activities together, like buying pretzels, eating pretzels, talking about pretzels, heck we even went to the circus to see the Human Pretzel.

JS: After 15 HOT PRETZEL microwave minutes. Our relationship ended when she realized I only respected her for her uhh(eye brows raise) pretzels. I mean there's nothing wrong with that. With Utz out of my life, I became broken likea Frito.

JS: Eventually, my focus was back on my invention for preventing staleable pretzels. I began working with my Dutch pretzel professor to find the answer.

Professor: Pretiola, my pretzel friend, I'm Dr. Snackmix, and pretzel + salt = satisfaction.

JS: I soon realized that Dr. Snackmix was twisting my pretzel.

JS: I became so frustrated about finding the answer to my invention that I decided to ask my mother at her Pretzel Factory gravesite. (Goes to mom's grave) 

JS: As I scattered broken pretzel ashes around I said. "Hello, mother"

(Show JS scattering ashes. A corpse quickly rises from ground)

MOTHER: What can I help you with son?

JS: I'm trying to find a way to prevent pretzels from being stale.

MOTHER: Buy a  space bag...and if you order now, you can get 2 super glue space bags for the price of one.

JS: Sweet Hot Jalapeno Pretzels! I got it! All I have to do is put a pretzel in a space bag, and it'll keep it sealed.

OLD MAN: Wait! You can't eat space bags.

JS: Whoa! Spontaneous previously unintroduced character. Don't have time for you old-bag.

(JS pushes old man out of way. Old man expresses angry reaction)

JS: I went home to try the experiment.

(He puts glue in a wrapper and wraps up a pretzel)

JS: I got it!

(He then struggles taking off the wrapper, but does. He eats the pretzel, and begins to choke)

JS:  (Chokes while talking) Oh no!.I can't die.not nowI didn't get to finish my inventions. I can't let my life crumble like this. I never even discovered a way to prevent excess salt at the bottom of the bag. Why me, why me?

(Pretzel pose, arms crossed)


THE END












NOTE: Episode 26 is an actual play by Howard Korder.  The version below if a cut and revised version of the play that is about 7 mins. 30 secs. long.
EPISODE 26
SCENE1
Deco: Oh no we are going to crash!

Buzz: Deco you idiot!

Hillen: Oh Buzz, hold me tight!

Me: The heroic Buzz Gatecrasher, the brainy Doctor Deco Gatecrasher, and the lovely Hillen Dale travel beyond the orbit of their planet earth, and face more danger than they expected.  They face more danger than they expected. Episode 26 by Howard Korder.

Hillen: Buzz! Behind you!

Zugdish: (Gasping for air, and after a couple long breaths he pulls out a breathing inhaler) You all follow me to Lord Vaknor's palace. Get a move on it.
SCENE 2
(Zugdish escorts Deco, Hillen, and Buzz into the castle)

Deco: Quit your shoving you hoodlum.  Don't touch the temple?

Hillen: Buzz, I'm scared.

(Vaknor enters with right arm across his chest representing a slash)

Vaknor: Dr. Deco.  The lovely Miss Dale.  And the headstrong Gatecrasher.  I finally have then chance to meet you, and now your world shall crumble beneath my fist.

Deco: But why destroy Earth?

Vaknor: Why not? Doctor Deco?

Vaknor: I find you to be a man of excellence.

Deco: You're just saying that. You must that to everyone.

Vaknor: No really. Doctor Deco, have you heard of the Jewel of the Black Hand? I captured you because you are the only one who can figure out how to use it.

Deco: I've heard it mentioned. It's supposed to make you extremely powerful and extremely evil blah, blah, blah?

Vaknor: Correct, you may begin your work immediately doctor. Zugdish, take doctor deco to my laboratory for him to begin his work, take the lovely Miss Dale to my chambers, and take out my favorite pink pajamas. 

Zugdish: The ones with the footies?

Vaknor: (out to audience) Yes, the ones with the footies

Vaknor: Mr. Gatecrasher, I have a proposition for you.

Buzz: I don't help ugly people.

Vaknor: oooooothat was hurtful, and unnecessary.  Let's cut to the cheese. (sniffs air a bit) If you help us figure out how to use the Jewel of the Black Hand, I will spare your life.

Buzz: I don't help crooks.

Vaknor: Your lossZugdish, take Mr. Gatecrasher to the dungeon and eat him.

Zugdish: Yes your smelly one. (to buzz) Get a move on it (pushes buzz, ties him up, and puts on a bib)
SCENE 5

Zugdish: Chow time.

Buzz: You don't want to eat me.

Zugdish: Yes I do.

Buzz: No you don't.  You only think you do, now, what do you really want?

Zugdish:  Earth woman Hillen.  She makes me feel funny inside.

Buzz: Really, well, I could set you up

Zugdish: Me really hungry, but ok.
(Releases Buzz)

Buzz: Now what are you going to say to her as a pick up line?

Zugdish: I don't knowGet down on the floor.

Buzz: Noooo, say "Say, kewpie doll, how about you and me make a little heaven on earth?"
(Zugdish does so)

Zugdish: Say, kewpie doll how about you and me make a little heaven on earth.Get down on the floor!(Buzz hits his head and knocks him out)
(Zugdish moans, then birds fly over Zugdish, then Zugdish passes out)

Buzz: Have a nice nap, beetle-brain!  (imitates Zugdish) Now you get down on the floor. Now to rescue Hillen!
SCENE 6
(Hillen is alone in a room eating candy)
Buzz: Hillen, you're alone (looks surprised)

Hillen: Oh, Buzz you've come to rescue me

Buzz: No offense Hillen, but I expected to find you being tortured or something.  Instead I see you stuffing your face with bon-bons.

Hillen: It's just that Richard offered me them.

Buzz: Richard?

Hillen: Lord Vaknor and I are on a first name basis now.  Oh Dickey, he's really a nice guy, once you get to know him, but I want to go home with you.  Please rescue me Buzz

Buzz: Oh alright, how do you propose we escape?

Hillen: Well, Dr. Deco gave me these pills in case of an emergency. (Reads bottle) Warning may change you into primitive life form blah, blahKeep out of reach of children. Well, we don't have any childrenyet. It says to take one capsule.

Buzz: Well, we don't have time for one capsule.  Give me the bottle. (Turns whole bottle over his mouth and eats the pills.)

(Waits a moment for a reaction, then starts doing the 3 amigos dance.  First 5 counts he makes small swallowing noises. on 6th count he makes a huge cough noise.)

Hillen: Anything happening (Buzz starts having seizures, and then turns into jelly)

Hillen: (screams) You're a horrible looking lump of jelly! Let's get out of here. (moans)
SCENE 8
Vaknor: Doctor Deco, give me the Jewel.

Deco: No!

Vaknor:  Fine. (pulls out a gun and shoots. Gun makes a cell phone ringing sound)

Hillen: Is that my cell phone?

Vaknor: That isn't your cell phone honey, that's my weapon of mass destruction. (Sexually growls to her, and she sexually growls back)

(Buzz enters) Buzz: (makes jelly noise, and then coughs) Lord Vaknor!

Vaknor: Ah Buzz Gate Crasher, I finally have the power to crush you like a bug!

Buzz: You're not going to use that Jewel are you?

Vaknor: You bet I am!

Buzz: This should be interesting

Vaknor: (holds up jewel, and the jewel makes a noise) Oh no, the jewel doesn't give power 

Buzz: That's right, it takes away life
(Vaknor freezes in place w/the jewel making noises.  He quickly dies)

Buzz: (opens his arms) Hillen, my loveyour safe, at lastyou can come over here now

Hillen: Actually, about that whole "love" thingI'm sort of seeing someone.

Buzz: (shocked) Seeing someone? Who?

Zugdish: (waving) Hey, (thumbs up) kewpie doll

                               END

Every Robber
by Sean Powers 10/19/02
(Every Robber approaches a bank ready to rob it)
Every Robber: All right, I'm ready to attack the bank!  My life long dream is almost complete.

Jeffery Craig White: (floating) What do you think you're doing???

Every Robber: I'm going to rob the bank

Jeffery Craig White: Listen, you're getting ready to do it the wrong way.  I was once a bank robber, but not being prepared got me killed.

Every Robber: What do you suggest?

(Mask enter)
Mask: Wear a mask.

Every Robber: A mask?

Mask: Yes, by wearing a mask you can avoid being identified when the witnesses describe you to the police.

Every Robber: Makes Sense. (Puts on mask) Now I'm ready to rob a bank!

(Box cutters)
Box Cutters: Not exactly chum. You'll need me as your box cutters to disable the security cameras.

Every Robber: I see. I'm glad you guys came to me before I went out with the plan.

(Enters blueprints)
Blueprints: What is your plan might I ask.

Every Robber: UhActuallyuh

Blueprints: I am the blueprint to this bank. With me you will have a better understanding of where everything and everyone is located.

Every Robber: Now am I ready?

(Enters water gun)
Water gun: What is that sticking out of your pocket?

Every Robber: (casually) A loaded gun.

All: Get down!

Every Robber: What!

Water Gun: You can't just walk into a bank with a gun. Are you mad?

Every Robber: Why? What's the big deal?

Water Gun: The Big dealio amigo is that a number of things could go seriously wrong with bringing a loaded gun into a bank. You could kill somebody, you could be killed by someone who has a gun, or by someone taking your gun

Jeffery Craig White: I sure made that mistake

Water Gun: What you need is a water gun that looks like a real gun so it will scare people, but not hurt them

Every Robber: What if the people try to attack me when I have the gun.

Water Gun: Who would be that dumb? But in the unlikely case that they would all you need to do is take someone hostage and say you'll kill them if anyone comes closer.

Every Robber: Wow I feel pretty ready.

Jeffery Craig White: You are.

Every Robber: I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!

Jeffery Craig White: Go get them tiger.

Every Robber: Thanks you guys. (Runs) I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!

Conscience: Is this what you want to do?

Every Robber: Oh, brother, who are you?

Conscience: Your conscience. Don't you recognize me? I've come to stop you commit this horrific crime. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it robbing a bank. You'll lose. It's inevitable.

Every Robber: Oh shut up! I'm ready! (Runs in to bank)
Person in bank: Officer, kill him! (Hear a gun go off)

Conscience: Well, at least he died prepared.           

END

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